I had a module that was entirely based on a single project. For the final presentation, we had decided to come up with several posters, each based on a different aspect of our project. Each of us would be in charge of two posters. Before we proceeded with the poster design, we had already clearly discussed what should be added and focused on, in each poster. We had also set a deadline for ourselves.
My group had five people of which I had a conflict with one. He was very busy with his CCA - track and field and was often late or absent from our meetings. Knowing he had many commitments, he still volunteered to do the most important part of the project. Having been friends for a year, we knew that he was someone responsible. So we thought that since he volunteered, he should know what he was in for and that he knew he could cope with it.
When our self-set deadline was due, all our posters were ready except for his. He asked for a slight extension and we agreed. As promised, he did deliver his completed posters. However, when I was compiling the posters for printing, I realised that his posters were completely off-focus. Having already previously discussed the details of the poster, I felt that he did not understand what we meant. Besides, we were running out of time, especially since submission was the next day. I discussed with my group leader and decided it was best for me to edit one of his posters as a guide for him to understand how it should be done.
Initially, I intended to do simple editing. However, being a perfectionist at heart, I could not bear to see inadequacies. After an hour and a half, I had completely changed his poster to what I felt it should look like. All the while, I thought I was doing him a favour. After that, I dropped him a message to inform him of the newly updated poster and asking him to make the necessary modifications for the other poster.
The next day, we had a group meeting after submitting the posters. There was a high level of tension because he was fuming. He accused me of not respecting his work because I made modifications without his consent. Meanwhile, I felt that he was late and worse, handed in sub-standard work. Instead of blaming him, I had sacrificed my personal time (I was busy as well) to help him out, only to be miunderstood and wrongly accused.
What do you think I should have done so that things would not have taken such a turn?
Sup Mitchelle,
ReplyDeletePerfecta!(Perfect in espanol)
You wrote pretty. Better, you had just as pretty intentions. You wanted to help him. You wanted the best for the group. But the irony is he couldnt see the pretty in you. The real issue is what you could have done to make sure he'd seen that pretty in you.
Just as you'd make-up to look pretty externally, you need to make-up or underscore your actual pretty intent so that he may not be able to implicate you for anything other than your pretty intent!! Do you see as I see, Mitchelle? Your deficient communicative process allowed him the chance to accuse you of something other than what you really thought---which is your pretty and altruistic intent.
It would have been that much better if you directly called him on his phone and face the horrifying reality of speaking to somebody on a phone, supposing that is what prevented you from directly speaking with him for clearer communication. He would have been able to hear your voice and infer about your pretty intent, or dont you think so. Dropping him a message can only suggest so much about actual intent, but calling up a person, however terrifying, and regardless if it's a guy (supposing that is the issue some girls may shudder at, because they arent accustomed to talking to guys (acquaintance) on the phone), can do as much to arrest any misunderstanding in the way coming, or dont you think likewise.
Moreoever you are meddling with somebody's intellectual right's when you change something in their work, so you have to make a very clear communication with that person either by showcasing your voice so that he can infer sincerity, by calling; or showcasing your actual face-to-face presence which you cant because you both dont live near each other, I presume.
I understand also that you may fear to call him up because he may reject your plea and prevent you from changing his work. If that is the case, so be it. You need to face that fear of yours---of not being able to change his work and thereby getting lower grades for your module! Life is not about getting results nor about being a perfectionist and imposing that on others' work. I'm sure God wouldnt love that, or wouldnt you, a christian, say so too! You are taking things into your own hands if you want your perfect in others' life or work, so that you can gain higher grades, which is self-interest/centeredness. But God says to commit every doubt, worry, fear into his hands, or wouldnt you say so too.
So really Mitchelle, your underlying communication problem has deeper problems associated with your mind/soul/spirit/nature/heart/being!!! If you questioned yourself deeply about the small interludes leading to you not regarding calling him directly or looking him up in person face-to-face as important, and thereby only dropping him a message or 2, it is really about some sort of fear or weaknesses in your being/mind/soul/spirit, however small. Of course I expect you will tell you "Oh no, its not the case I assure you Mark," but I'm also saying that you wouldnt have known if its the case, because you are operating from your SUBCONSCIOUS (automatic) mind when you voluntarily and instinctively made the decision just to only drop him a message, and not do something more significant in the way of effective communication. And the thing that controls your subconscious and even your conscious mind, Mitchelle, is your mind/soul/heart/spirit/psyche/nature, and that is why I say yours, and anybody's communication problems have deeper roots than appears to be.
I may be the only person who can be this honest with you Mitchelle! But I think you will do fine; you certainly write pretty, and have a good sense about most of everything! I'd quite rightly think you should already know the answers to the questions!
Cheers
Haha....
ReplyDeleteOh no.. It sounds bad! This definitely has to do with the male ego. Indeed this is a difficult situation.
If you told him that you felt that it has to be changed, he may not understand what it is that is wanted. And you waste precious time explaining it to him. And should he know what to do, you will still have no control of whether he'll do it in time or do it right.
Well, I think you did what is right for your team. Think the root of this problem was because of authority matters. He may have felt that you were also a member of the team, and you have supposedly undermined his work. So maybe you could have told your team leader to tell him that his poster was off focus and that he gave you the job of making it right. Because your team leader supposedly has authority over him, your friend shouldn't react in a bad way. And even if he gets angry, he probably will be less angry at you. haha...
Hi Michelle,
ReplyDeleteFirst, of course, you must understand that it is a natural reaction for someone to get angry if their work was changed without much of their consent. After all, they did put in considerable effort to complete their part.
However for your case, it was already understood that he had gotten his facts wrong when he did his poster, since you've mentioned that this issue was discussed and editing was done with the consent of the group leader. Therefore contrary to what Mark mentioned, I don't think your action was done out of self-interest. Rather, you took into consideration the big picture. After all this is a group project, and you were only trying to correct/change what could have detrimentally affected everyone else’s grades?
So if you’ve already tried explaining your point of view to him and yet he isn’t able to take it into his stride.. well then, too bad for him for losing a friend!
Hey Michelle,
ReplyDeleteDon't you just feel a little sorry for the group leader? He had to make the tough decisions, he had to deliver the bad news, and now he must think of a new conflict for his latest blog post.
Well what can I say? You acted in good faith, under advisement from a person of authority, and dare I say it for the greater good of the group. There really shouldn't be a problem but sometimes things do not work out that way.
What could you have done? Well proponents of EQ may tell you that they may yet have been a way to get your message through to this person. And I suppose if you were given the luxury of time you could have. But just like Edwin says, you could have spent all your time and EQ points on him, and it may not have made any difference.
I really would like to believe that this conflict can be resolved. But I really also would like to believe in unicorns. Some things are just regrettable and I think its important that you do not take it personally. That's another big part of EQ isn't it? Emotional control. You can still be civil with him, and hopes he returns in kind.
Hey michelle~!
ReplyDeleteMmm this situation sounds really familiar to one that my sister experienced before! My sister usually refers to this sort of people as freeloaders, who just hitch a ride and try to score well by exploiting the “good-natured”-ness of the other group members! But you mentioned that knowing him for a year revealed to you that he is a responsible person, so what he did now then really did surprise me. In this case, if the reason that he did not do his part was because he really was too preoccupied with his many commitments that he could not let go; and this is not of his nature to do so, then I think his actions were most likely forgivable. I think it is possible to sit down privately with him (after he had cooled off) and explain to him that the editing to his posters had to be done as the ones he did were out-of-point and this was done also for the welfare of him and the rest of the group members so as to secure a higher grade for the project. Also, if his posters had some plus points, it would be nice to mention them as well to appease him first. Nonetheless I think he took it personally when the editing was done as he probably felt that michelle was undermining him and that was doing him injustice. He probably thought that all his work was not credited to him in the end and he would not be able to say that he contributed to that project group (though in the first place he doesn’t even take the time to come for meetings).
So all in all, I think he was not being very friendly when he blamed michelle for the editing because that would be unfair to mich, but I think that was because he was only looking at the situation from his perspective and not how others thought of him. However, it would definitely be better to sit down and clarify with him first before or after the changes to his poster were done.
I applaud Michelle’s effective application of EQ in demonstrating such self-awareness and self-regulation in not flaring up at her under-performing project-mate. Instead of panicking over the impending deadline or losing her cool with her project-mate, Michelle was able to channel her emotions positively and motivate herself to work even harder in the face of adversity. Unlike her ungrateful project-mate who failed to empathise with his group-mates’ predicament, Michelle displayed significantly more empathy in the way she did not hold her project-mate’s late and shoddy work against him because she understood how heavy his workload was.
ReplyDeleteHowever, exercising a little more empathy, she could have foreseen that her project-mate would be upset that she had made significant alterations to his work without informing him. A good many people would not have appreciated such major alterations, however well intentioned, made behind their backs to their work either. This could have been averted if good social skills were exercised and the project-mate in question was informed in advance of her intentions. A simple telephone call to seek his permission for the modifications, while being a mere formality and courtesy, would nonetheless have given him the illusion of authority and provided him with the opportunity to seek help under the pretext of being magnanimous enough to allow someone else to edit his work. Without hurting his pride he could have thus been coaxed into consent and might even have shown gratitude for the assistance.
Oh mine Issac, I like you dude!
ReplyDeleteI think we share the same mind in the way we express our thoughts in writing. I'm sure you have seen mine, and just by looking at the way you write above, I know therefore you are one of those 'masters'. You may even be more master than me. But now that I know you write so ingeniously, be sure I'll be tracking down all your blogposts from now on! Haha! Fear not though, haha!
But I urge everybody to see Issac's brilliantly close writing and argument, which makes his ideas conveyed stand out so much stronger and clearer than any other posts I have read so far! And because of that I could 'feel' his advice and make more sense out of it! And I think that is the essence of beautiful writing; you can see a fascinating ease and beauty of expression. To exemplify such a beauty, I point you to the one in Issac's last paragraph; from "A simple telephone call......" to "......edit his work." This whole sentence is BRILLIANTLY CONSTRUCTED AND THE IDEAS EXPERTLY NUANCED AND COMPACTED SUCH THAT EVERY WORD IS CONVEYING A DETAIL; NO WORD IS LEFT HANGING IN MID-AIR. That means although the sentence is long, it is concise specific to its length!!!!!!!!Does anybody understand what I meant by this statement? If you don't, ask your own master---Issac!
Issac's the kind of writing I would give 100 marks in all departments, and especially that mind-blowing sentence of Issac's. Everybody must learn from Issac, though it doesnt mean after reading Issacs comments, you will start writing as beautifully as Issac, for that takes YEARS AND YEARS of reading exposure and concerted practice effort. You can be sure you wont master writing like Issac by April, consequently! But learn what you can from the master---Issac, while he is still around.
Hi Michelle! =) Like Isaac, I do really respect the fact that you did not explode at the guy who did not do his work correctly. I also admire you for being willing to sacrifice your time to remedy the situation, even though you had a busy schedule. I do hope that I would be able to behave like you should I find myself in a similar situation in the future.
ReplyDeleteI would now like to offer my opinion on what could have been done to improve the outcome of the conflict. Firstly, like how some people have already mentioned, I would recommend calling him to explain to him that his poster needs to be changed. During the call I think the first thing to do is to thank him for making the posters (even though it was not what was expected). Next, I think you could explain to him tactfully that the posters did not meet the project’s requirements and needs to be changed. I think some people at this point would be willing to let such drastic alterations be made.
If you sense that he is reacting in a rather hostile manner to you making such changes, I think you could empathize with his situation by letting him know that you understand that he has put in a lot of effort into the posters and that it is probably painful for him to know that a significant portion of his work is going to be erased by you. By affirming that such feelings of pain and frustration are valid, you are being empathic to him by letting him know that his feelings are valid and respected. This may also prevent him from reacting defensively and from thinking that you are trying to run him down. Even if he was not reacting in a hostile fashion, communicating such empathy may also help him to feel better and help him to be more appreciative of the changes that you are making.
From one of Brad’s readings for us on emotional intelligence (http://www.mindtools.com/pages/article/newCDV_59.htm), the following is stated,
“Examine how your actions will affect others – before you take those actions. If your decision will impact others, put yourself in their place. How will they feel if you do this? Would you want that experience? If you must take the action, how can you help others deal with the effects?”
I believe following the advice of the passage above will help you to avoid a confrontation with your teammate. Also, the advice of this passage is in line with my opinion on communicating empathy to him which is in the 3rd paragraph.
Lastly, like Edwin said, letting him know that the group leader has approved of your actions may make him more amiable to your changes.
Sup Mabel,
ReplyDeleteYou mentioned "Therefore contrary to what Mark mentioned, I don't think your action was done out of self-interest. Rather, you took into consideration the big picture. After all this is a group project, and you were only trying to correct/change what could have detrimentally affected everyone else’s grades?"
Good Mabel, I urge you to really analyse the statement you made here? I'm not saying you are totally wrong? But consider this that I say will you?
Could it be the case, Mabel, that I am right about Mitchelle's self-interest, and Mitchelle herself or you cannot see or know that it is from self-interest, because she most likely operated from her subconscious(automatic)? Might it have been the case, Mabel, that Mitchelle is unconsciously/unvoluntarily concealing and therefore understating her self-interest by REINFORCING her conscious belief that she is being considerate for others grades and their well-being? Do you see this subtle and very overlooked interval in our symbolic thought process? That is why Mabel, I urged you to seriously re-consider your statement in light of these diagnostic behaviourial psychology recommendations?!?!!
In other words also, Mabel, I am saying that Mitchelle who during the project (who wouldnt herself know of course) unconsciously/involuntarily says she changed the work of others because of noble aspirations might be doing so because she is too fearful or disgusted to embrace the idea that she is operating from self-interest, however small? And the reason why Mitchelle cannot herself be at ease with her self-interest because she somehow knows that society and the community in which she lives cannot also be at ease with self-interest/self-centeredness? Because these negative self traits are deviant and incongruent with the PERFECT IDEALS of society which Mitchelle learnt all through her life from family, friends and interactions in the community within Singapore and outside of it?
So I am in fact saying, Mabel, that when Mitchelle changed the work of her teammate's and fail to give clearer communication, you couldnt fault her for that because she is a victim of SOCIALIZATION?!?! Socialization is not all that good, Mabel? Wouldnt you agree with that, good Mabel?
So Mabel, that is why I urge you to not be so sure that Mitchelle is hallowed in all her volitions; and being a friend of Mitchelle's might be the most disadvantaged thing because it may have distorted a more objective view of yours that you would logically have if you did not know somebody well? In short, Mabel, you might have been too sympathetic with the plight of Mitchelle's to a fault? For even if Mitchelle personally told you, Mabel, that she really wanted to help other teammates get a good grade, you should also consider that when Mitchelle tells you that, she is doing so in her imperfection of soul/mind/spirit/psyche/nature, and that of which caused the self-interest which both of us are trying to analyse right now?!?!!
(continue below)
For if Mitchelle herself is imperfect, it logically follows that she herself couldnt know the true underpinnings of her feelings/mind/spirit/soul/nature; and if she tells us all and tries to convince us that she is really operating from kindness, care and love for her teammates, she is also doing so imperfectly, because the truth might be something else completely, OR A MIXTURE WITH OTHER MORE SINISTER SELFISH TRAITS!!!??!?
ReplyDeleteAnd so that is what I think, Mabel, that the answer to MItchelle's actions might have been a balance of positive and negative self traits, with a more critical weightage in the negative; I would say 70 percent? And 70 percent is quite conservative because human agencies, as Christians know, are FUNDAMENTALLY 100 percent DEFILED, by virtue of their sin?!!!? But I also like to think Mabel that, like you, I want to believe in Mitchelle's sanctity, if only because God demands we love in such a way.
(Love hopes forever in the POSITIVE)!
It is also important, Mabel, for us to QUESTION and really analyse actions, appearances, supposed truths, decisions, given ideas and other types of agencies as much as possible, EVEN IF IT IS NOT IN YOUR NATURE/TENDENCY TO DO THAT; because it can only widen your critical/analytical thinking, writing, as well as bring more clarity and conviction and therefore shape and stance to your life!!? But I don't expect you, Mabel, to know what it is I am talking about yet, until you read thoroughly what I wrote here and start QUESTIONING yourself, Mitchelle, ME, AND EVEN WHAT I WROTE!!!!! Haha!
Remember I am not perfect too, but if what logic I write here can make sense to you, Mabel, and of course Mitchelle your friend, then I am most obliged and blessed!?!?
Cheers to the double M
@edwin: You have introduced the aspect of male ego and it made me realise how important gender play a part in how we communicate and what we must take note of when we communicate with the opposite gender.
ReplyDelete@mabel: I agree with you that in life, you can't possibly please everybody. Every now and then, there comes a person you might not get along too well with. I think it's a futile effort trying to convince him and I don't want to make things worse by being irritatingly persisting to do so. Instead, as what Faizal mentioned, I think avoidance and/or being civil would be more appropriate since I do not have to interact much after that module.
@faizal: what can I say? You echo my thoughts.
@jac, jon and isaac: Thanks for your advice. It is similar to what I would have done on hindsight. However, there's no point in crying over spilt milk. I will learn from this and know how to react when faced with such a situation in the future.
Given the luxury of time, I would probably have dealt with this matter as per suggested by all of you. However, I post a second question - How do you think I can resolve this and become friends again. After all, this is my final semester and it would be ideal if I could graduate with entirely happy memories.
hmmm.. how long ago did this conflict take place?
ReplyDeleteooh I can answer this one. It happened 3 semesters ago.
ReplyDeleteWell I suppose any reconciliation efforts probably has to start small. Baby steps.
Wave to him if he walks pass you. Say Hi. Ask him how his design project was.
Then slowly move on from there.
After that maybe you can get your group leader in on it too. He could do with one less nemesis.
lol Faizal are you the group leader? :P
ReplyDeleteAlso, I think Faizal has a point. Small steps towards reconciliation can be quite effective. In addition to what he has said, I guess doing small favours, if possible might warm his heart, convince him to forgive Michelle and view her in a more positive light?
Actually, if that guy were to respond positively to Michelle being nice, then Michelle could try bringing up the poster incident and explain to him why the changes were absolutely necessary? Having the group leader present to back Michelle up may also help, since he supported Michelle's decision to change the posters. But this suggestion may or may not be appropriate, as it depends on the personality of the guy who is angry at Michelle, plus the exact characteristics of the interpersonal situation between Michelle and him. If that guy had a favourable impression of Michelle before he scolded her for changing his posters, then he may be respond more positively to Michelle's explanations regarding the posters.
I do hope you can restore your friendship with that guy Michelle! =) Its obviously nice to leave NUS with only happy memories haha =).
Hi Michelle. I believe that you have made the right decision and did the right thing to uphold the overall interest of the team. At such situation, completing the objective and making sure everyone is alright and consideration of feelings would be secondary if time and resources are lacking. I admire how you had born the burden and make sure things worked out well for your team back then.
ReplyDeleteI would suggest an improvement to the approach you have taken. You could have tried to ask him and the leader to talk over the issue in private before the meeting. This would have eased the tense atmosphere in the meeting. In many cases, the tension often arises from the delivery of the news rather than the actual content of the news.
As for patching up that friendship, I would say time is the best medicine in some cases. Just be friendly and act normal. As he gains more life experiences, he will realize his mistakes and let it go.
Thank you for making this highly appropriate post, Michelle. Aside from the fact that it is a bit lengthy, it adheres well to the 7Cs. It also focuses upon a situation that your readers can easily relate to, as we can see from the enthusiastic and well-formulated comments.
ReplyDeleteThere are only a couple language issues to take note of:
- After that, I dropped him a message to inform him of the newly updated poster and make the necessary modifications for the other poster.
>>> After that, I dropped him a message to inform him of the newly updated poster and ASKING HIM TO make the necessary modifications for the other poster.
- ...only to be mistaken and wrongly accused.
>>> only to be MISUNDERSTOOD and wrongly accused.
Thanks again. I really appreciate your hard work!