It was a festive company Christmas dinner where each person was supposed to bring a gift for the traditional gift exchange. However, there were certain requirements for the gift. It had to cost at least $10, could not be perishables, could not be impractical, could not be money, etc. With such requirements, it was difficult to find the perfect gift.
Gifts were randomly drawn and given to the employees. Celine, a Chinese employee received a gift from Fathin, a Malay colleague. Fathin excitedly went to Celine and said she would definitely like her gift. She claimed, “It (The gift) travelled from Malaysia all the way back to Singapore.” Celine thanked her but did not open her gift on the spot because it was considered rude to open gifts in front of the person.
So, Celine went home to unwrap her present, only to realise that the gift was a pink clock. She knew that the gift was inappropriate because the Chinese word “song zhong” had 2 meanings – give clock and send someone to the grave. It was highly insulting for a Chinese to receive such a gift. However, she also knew that Fathin was young and was not aware of such traditions. Since she was not superstitious, she did not blame Fathin nor pursue the matter.
However, the next day, another colleague asked Celine what she had received as a gift. Celine told her a pink clock. That colleague was superstitious and went to confront Fathin on behalf of Celine. Fathin became angry as she thought Celine did not appreciate her gift and went to gossip about it with her other colleagues instead of gently informing her. Things ended sour between Celine and Fathin.
As can be seen from the above scenario, conflict could have been avoided if the colleague was as understanding as Celine. Celine who was more understanding ended up being the victim of such an unnecessary conflict.
Hey Michelle!
ReplyDeleteI never knew giving clocks was considered unlucky. Rest assured you won't be getting one from me anytime soon.
It does seem that the colleague is a little, for lack of a better term, nosy. It does not really affect her does it the gift from Fathin to Celine? I wonder what is her cultural background...
In any case I've come to realize that Singapore is such a multi-cultural society that its incredibly difficult to keep track of everybody's customs. I agree with you that its best to practice a little patience when encountering situations like the one described in this blog post.
BTW are there any other gifts that I shouldn't be getting you?
Hey Michelle,
ReplyDeleteNice post, I like it! What a pity such a thing happen. This just confirms that our destiny IS NOT ALWAYS IN OUR OWN HANDS, am I right!?! If Celine can see into the future, she would have avoid having the conversation with her Chinese friend so that the conflict between herself and Fathin won't happen. Human situations are as precarious as such.
Cheers
Que lastima; voy a llorar
@Faizal: "BTW are there any other gifts that I shouldn't be getting you?"
ReplyDeleteEr....A book entitled, "1000 magic tricks which you can do to impress friends?" :P
Wow..
ReplyDeleteThis whole thing looks like a mountain made from a molehill. We can only blame the superstitious colleague. HAHA! Nah, just kidding. Shouldn't blame her, even though I really think that the problem stemmed from her. Her act of 'goodwill' unintentionally sowed discord among two colleagues, and I think that is no good. At all. Your post reminds me to firstly put everything we see in context, and not to assume that everyone thinks the way I do. Ask if in doubt. =) Indeed, as you have pointed out, mutual understanding and gentle clarification will help meliorate such scenarios.
Jon!!!! (haha..)
Hey Michelle.
ReplyDeleteWow i never knew that! It really is too bad, Celine's colleague shouldn't have confronted Fathin like that, but then I guess that's the problem with superstitions. May be if Celine had talked to Fathin about the superstition but made sure she told her the gift was appreciated, Fathin may have been more aware.
@Edwin: lol instead of "I know what you did last summer" its, "I know what you did in year 1!!!" eh? *winks*
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteHi Michelle
ReplyDeleteMy goodness… That is intercultural differences blown up by office gossips. Things could be so different if the colleagues did not confront Fathin and respect Celine’s decision to the matter rest. Fathin and Celine could still be friends.
Since Singapore consists a multiple races and the recent addition of more foreign talents adds another dimension of the social fabric. It took decades to establish the social stability that we enjoy today. I wonder how much time it will take to foster social cohesion with the influx of new cultures.
Great post Michelle! This scenario is a microscope to the potential intercultural friction of our society. It is a seemly trivial but significant event.
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteThis is a very clear, concise and complete telling of an appropriate scenario. It shows precisely how much of what happens in cross-cultural misunderstandings occurs without intention. Even then, the sense of in group and out group comes to the fore and people begin to make accusations based on an assumption of bad intent (in the form of the rumors that spread about such and such a person).
ReplyDeleteOffice gossip indeed!
Thanks for sharing, Michelle.
There are a few language issues to take note of:
a) It must cost at least $10, cannot be perishables, cannot be impractical, cannot be money, etc. >>> It had to cost at least $10, could not be perishables, could not be impractical, could not be money, etc.
b) Celine, a chinese employee received a gift from Fathin, a fellow malay colleague. >>> Celine, a Chinese employee, received a gift from Fathin, a Malay colleague.
c) Celine who is more understanding ended up being the victim of such an unnecessary conflict. >>> Celine, who WAS more understanding, ended up being the victim of such an unnecessary conflict.
Thanks for sharing your experience. This is a very common intercultural conflict that I have seen. I myself have offended my parents when I bought a clock for my parents on their anniversary. There are underlying message in the things we give and we just have to be aware of it in order to avoid such intercultural conflicts.
ReplyDeleteA great post Michelle!
Thanks for all your encouragement. All of you have mentioned that it is the fault of the presumptious colleague. But how do you think this can be avoided in the future?
ReplyDeleteI have also made the appropriate changes.
Not much can be avoided Michelle, in my opinion. These are not under your control. It's like you cross the roads everyday so carefully and do your best to make sure cars dont knock you down in the direction of travel of road you are trying to cross. But then one fine day comes a along a drunk or crazy driver, who was driving on the opposite direction where your eyes are not looking or blindside, and as you stand on the divider between the roads, your eyes keep focus on 1 direction of travel of the cars, not the other direction of travel which is happening behind your back. That crazy drunk driver simply pancakes you from behind despite your efforts in being very careful to observe traffic, and you are dead. Simply put, we human beings are limited, we dont have eyes behind our heads, neither is our sixth sense good or sensitive enough to sense the car heading straight up on us behind us before its too late, and we can only give our attention to 1 or a small number of matters at a time. So Michelle, this is one very good example of how your life and circumstances are beyond the control of you to a large extent!
ReplyDeleteCheers
These are also what I call, the evils of life and circumstances Michelle. You cannot even think you can defeat and overcome evil by yourself Michelle? You know what I meant Michelle? Rather Michelle, I recommend you dont try to avoid such things. You must have the mentality that yes you HOPE this wont happen, BUT IF IT HAPPENS THEN EMBRACE IT AND FACE IT WITH YOUR STRONG MIND, AND NOT LET YOURSELF WORRY OR BE OBSESSED OVER WHAT IS OR ISNT'T GOING TO HAPPEN.
ReplyDeleteCheers
LOL Faizal, do you intend to give her a gift :P *hint* In case you want to know, shoes and clocks are considered unlucky according to Chinese traditions.
ReplyDeleteAnyway Michelle, this is indeed a common scenario actually. There was no ill-intention from either parties, rather, it was caused by ignorance (not in a bad way) towards a different culture. Such things are difficult to prevent. But hopefully, these misunderstandings can be solved if these two parties are willing to talk it out with each other.
Haha Mabel thanks for that. So to summarize gifts to avoid are shoes, clocks, and apparently books about magic.
ReplyDeleteFor Malays we pretty much accept anything... but money is always nice...
Here's an interesting cultural anecdote I found, related to the concept of gifts. In many Indonesian families/cultures, you should not praise any of their possessions (not too often at least), because if you do they would just give it to you!
@Faizal: “money is always nice”….haha utilitarianism FTW!
ReplyDeleteAnyway Michelle, I think that the conflict described by you was primarily due to the anonymous colleague’s poor interpersonal skills. Considering that Celine’s gift did not affect that colleague, he was being quite nosey and behaved inappropriately by confronting Fatimah. Considering that an essential part of good EQ is effective relationship management and having a high level of social awareness, that colleague should have known that Fatimah’s gift was none of his concern and he should not have interfered. I believe this situation has highlighted the lack of EQ on that colleague’s part.
A person who is interculturally competent understands, in her interactions with people from a different culture, their specific concepts in perception and thinking. Considering that Fatimah was ignorant of Chinese social norms, Celine was wise in overlooking her fault and I believe that Celine has shown intercultural competence in this scenario.
Although Fatimah is not at fault in this scenario as she was ignorant, her wrong choice of gift illustrates how the idea of unknown unknowns is prevalent in intercultural communication and can cause relationship problems. An unknown unknown is something which we don’t know we don’t know. This can be contrasted to a known unknown, something we know that we don’t know. The former can be quite dangerous as our ignorance can lead us to cause conflict and trouble for others or ourselves despite us having the best of intentions.
For people who are interested, I took part of the above from a quote by Donald Rumsfeld,
“[T]here are known knowns; there are things we know we know.
We also know there are known unknowns; that is to say we know there are some things we do not know.
But there are also unknown unknowns – the ones we don't know we don't know.”
—Former United States Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld.
On a slightly unrelated note, I found this Arab passage which I found quite funny =). In old Arab literature, they say there are four types of men:
one who know, and know that he know... this is a man of knowledge, get to know him.
one who know, but don't know that he know... this is a man who's unaware, so bring it to his attention.
one who don't know, but know that he don't know... this is an illiterate man, teach him!
one who don't know, and don't know that they don't know... this is a dumb man, stay away from him.
LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL
ReplyDeletei like it Jonathan. i love the 4 statements!!!
Cheers
Heh glad you like it Mark. Thanks for your compliment. =)
ReplyDelete