xxxx Avenue xx
BLK xxx, #xx-xxx
Singapore xxxxxx
13 February 2011
Dear Sir/Madam,
I am writing to express my interest in joining Singapore Airlines as a trainee station manager. I have always had a strong interest in the airline industry and I believe this career would mould me into a global person.
I understand that Singapore Airlines has evolved into one of the most respected travel brands around the world with the Singapore Girl as the symbol of quality customer care and service. In my view, the Singapore Girl image should not be limited to in-flight service but also extended to ground services. While I am a fresh graduate lacking work experience, I believe that my outgoing personality, leadership, and willingness to learn will compensate for my inexperience.
Having worked part-time in the food and beverage (F & B) industry, I have been exposed to customer service. Observing how fellow colleagues and managers responded to customers have given me a good preview of the service industry in general. For example, during a non-peak period where there were more than enough staff, my manager asked me to go around the tables to gather customer feedback on food, ambience and service. Such initiative on his part would allow him to understand customers and hence improve on current standards of customer service.
Being in the civil engineering course has also taught me to be quick-witted as a problem-solver, strive for the highest professional standards and regard safety as a vital part of our work. For instance, in civil engineering, our projects (buildings, bridges etc) are huge and the safety of the structures has a great impact on its users. There are many uncertainties, such as on-site transportation and handling of materials, which are difficult to model using advanced modelling software. Hence, we often use a high factor of safety to take into account of these anomalies. This is to ensure safety for all users.
Being in the civil engineering course has also taught me to be quick-witted as a problem-solver, strive for the highest professional standards and regard safety as a vital part of our work. For instance, in civil engineering, our projects (buildings, bridges etc) are huge and the safety of the structures has a great impact on its users. There are many uncertainties, such as on-site transportation and handling of materials, which are difficult to model using advanced modelling software. Hence, we often use a high factor of safety to take into account of these anomalies. This is to ensure safety for all users.
Such assets will no doubt provide me a strategic advantage in this line of work. Furthermore, I have an interest in languages and am currently studying the Japanese language in a private school. In a global environment, I would think that the mastery of additional languages would be an added bonus. In addition, my various leadership positions in my co-curricular activities have taught me to work as a team and independently. Exhibiting versatility in various situations would definitely be useful in my future career in Singapore Airlines. I look forward to the day that I become a full-fledged station manager.
I sincerely hope you will consider my application. If you have any further questions, I would be glad to furnish you with more information in an interview. Please do not hesitate to contact me at the number provided in my enclosed resume.
I look forward to a positive reply. Thank you.
Kind regards,
Michelle Ong
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteHey man,
ReplyDeleteOh dear! I saw very serious grammar mistakes, Mitchelle. I swear!!!! I dont want to lie to you!! Who supervised your 1st draft? Cuz it ain't good enough supervision.
Your grammar mistakes include verb tense, prepositioning, run-along sentences, and unsound syntaxing or structure. Why wasnt anybody in your tutorial group pointing it out to you Mitchelle? Or don't they care about how you do? The errors were in the 2nd, 3rd, 4th, and 5th paragraphs; a whole lot of them. I'm sure you knew how particularly Brad was with grammar? I urge you to find out the mistakes for yourself, or get someone else in or outside your tutorial group to do it for you. I did provides you with some sound advice in your first draft, and even personally re-made your sentences and corrected your syntaxing, but maybe you really couldn't see that it was better. I cant fault you for that though!
Cheers
Hi Michelle!
ReplyDeleteI can't help much, coz I'm also a victim of the errors that Mark has pointed out. So, I'd just point out what I see yea! =)
1.
'From my viewpoint, the Singapore Girl image should not be limited to in-flight service but also extend to on-ground services.'
could be changed to
'..should not be limited to in-flight services, be also extended to on-ground services.'
2.
'I believe that while I am a fresh graduate and lack work experience, I can fulfill this role with an outgoing personality, leadership qualities and most importantly, a willing heart to learn.
could be changed to
'While I am a fresh graduate lacking in work experience, I believe that my outgoing personality, leadership, and willingness to learn will compensate for my inexperience.
Perhaps in the 3rd paragraph, you can afford to leave out the bird nest, because it doesn't sound directly relevant to your work.
Lastly, you may want to use a synonym for furthermore in the 5th paragraph, because you had used furthermore just a few lines earlier.
Haha.. jia you Michelle! Hope my comment helps!
Hey man,
ReplyDeleteAll I can say is Edwin does make a good point I forget to mention in my earlier post; the one about the Bird's nest stadium. Like Edwin, I couldnt find any direct relevance to YOU? And consequently, it should be omitted?
The rest of the points Edwin made were better in some sense, but in my opinion still not good enough in terms of grammar and also correctness. Also he still missed out many other very grave grammatical errors. I would suggest you engage good Issac's help and offer him a small token or something; he just gave UNBELIEVABLE advice to Edwin on Edwin's 2nd and final draft!!!!!! It is advice like nothing I've ever seen in my young life!!! I'm not joking!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Cheers
Thank you for your comments, I have taken note of the relevant comments and made some changes in my draft 2. If you find any more, please feel free to inform me. I would appreciate more advice.
ReplyDeleteHey Mitchelle!
ReplyDeleteoops I mean Michelle. Don't you just hate it when people misspell your name! I know I do.
Anyways I do have a few comments for you. While it is true civil engineers are awesome people, the sad thing is many people out there don't even know what we do, and chances are those people include the people at SIA HR department. So they might not relate to your letter, especially the more technical details (like modelling).
So maybe instead of talking about the civil engineering course, you may want to talk about your experience working as an actual engineer during your internship. You can perhaps talk about how being an engineer has given you some useful "softer" skills, like being thorough and keeping good documentation.
Well those are my two cents. It does sound like you really want this job and I really hope it works out for you in the end!
Hey man,
ReplyDeleteIt is still not good enough. Grammatical errors still exist in huge amounts. Guess what, I have edited all the grammar and syntax issues and if you were wise enough, you would send in this one I edited for you to Brad. There is only 1 way to Brad's heart in an application letter, and the below edited one is the best way. If you want to touch Brad's heart, Michelle, you have to submit the below to Brad!!
Here it is from first to last paragraph (edited parts in brackets):
I am writing to express my interest in joining Singapore Airlines as a trainee station manager. I have always had (deleted, you are using more words than necessary. Need to be short, sharp and sweet ) strong interest in the airline industry (and loved) being exposed to the world. (deleted because being a global person is the same as exposed to the world right? You are beating around the bush)
I understand that Singapore Airlines has evolved into one of the most respected travel brands around the world with the Singapore Girl (symbolizing) quality customer care and service. (In) my view, the Singapore Girl image should not be limited to in-flight service(s) but also extended to (deleted)ground services. While I am a fresh graduate lacking (deleted) work experience, I believe(d) that my outgoing personality, leadership, and willingness to learn will compensate for my inexperience.
Having worked part-time in the food and beverage (F & B) industry, I have been exposed to customer service(s). Observing how fellow colleagues and managers respond(ed) to customers have given me a good preview of the service industry in general. For example, during a non-peak period where there were more than enough staff, my manager asked me to go around the tables to ask for customer feedback on food, ambience and service. Such initiative on his part would allow him to understand customers and hence improve on current standards of customer service.
Being in the civil engineering course has also taught me to be quick-witted as a problem-solver, strive for the highest professional standards, (deleted, cuz you are repeating the word work twice. Not short and sweet enough) and regard safety as a vital part of our work. For instance, in civil engineering, our projects (buildings, bridges etc) (it is ungrammatical to use ARE. It should be WERE!) huge and the safety of the structures (HAD and not has) a great impact on its users. There (were) many uncertainties, such as on-site transportation and handling of materials, which (were) difficult to model using advanced modeling software. Hence, we often use(d) a high factor of safety to take into account (deleted) these anomalies. This is to ensure safety (for) all users.
Such assets will no doubt provide me a strategic advantage in this line of work. Furthermore, I have an interest in languages and am currently studying the Japanese language in a private school. In a global environment, I would think that the mastery of additional languages would be a (deleted, you are using more words than needed) bonus. In addition, my various leadership positions in my co-curricular activities have taught me to work as a team and (deleted, you are using more words than needed again!) independently. Exhibiting versatility in various situations would definitely be useful in my future career (with) Singapore Airlines. I look forward to the day that I (will) become a full-fledged station manager.
I sincerely hope you will consider my application (carefully). If you have any further questions, I would be glad to furnish you with more information in an interview. Please do not hesitate to contact me at the number provided in my enclosed resume.
I look forward to a positive reply. Thank you.
(continue below)
Ok that is it. There is nothing much I can do anymore. The tenses I changed for you are legitimate and correct; do not wrongly think that you need to express it in the present tense! No! It should be in the past tense UNLESS there is a 'to' before the word, such as 'to drink', 'to buy',' to achieve'etc. Also, the present tense is only appropriate in the last paragraph where you thank them and request interviews etc. Before that, every word must be in the past tense, except for words that have 'to' before them!
ReplyDeleteCheers
@Faizal: In this case, i think the softer skills are less important and should not be highlighted in an application letter. But i do agree that others might not understand what I am saying when i mention 'modelling' (ps: I've already tried not to mention Plaxis..i think that's considered civil eng jargon)
ReplyDelete@mark: thank you for your time and effort in editing my post. I've once again made more changes. However, there are some changes that I do not agree with you, especially in the 4th paragraph because it should be present continuous tense instead of past tense.
As for the rest, do you agree with Faizal that i should leave out the civil eng jargon like 'modelling' and 'factor of safety'?
Hey man,
ReplyDeleteYeah, you should leave out jargons too I suppose.
With regards to the tenses in the 4th paragraph, I really do think it needs to be in past tense. But if you should really think the present tense is correct too, you must have been pretty sure yourself! So go ahead then!!
Cheers
Hi Michelle,
ReplyDeleteBesides all the grammatical errors that the others have mentioned, which I'm afraid I can't help much with, I think you should include the employer/company's details if possible, and perhaps the title of the letter if you find that necessary? (Something I've also yet to do!) And if you have any paper qualifications for Japanese, you might want to add that in too.
Overall, I feel that your letter was well written though! :)
@mabel: I want to put in employer's details. Buts SIA doesn't even have a hotline for reception or career enquiries on their website. Besides, it's a huge company so I have no idea which address to put in. As for the Japanese qualifications, I just started last year and I only have a certificate of achievement in the elementary 1 course. I'm currently studying elementary 2 now. So, should I just scrape that info or leave it as it is?
ReplyDelete